Did I raise my boys “right?”
Let me start by saying, this is a rhetorical question.
I have reached a peak in my life. I am finally living just for myself, not having to answer to my kids, not having to be accountable to anyone. For the last 29 years, I have looked out for both myself and a few little people that eventually grew bigger. My last bird left the nest a little over a month ago and I am able to spread my personal wings again.
Now that the kids are gone, I wonder if I did my job, as their mom, to the best of my abilities. We all question ourselves along the way, but this time I am digging really deep. Part of this is because of my involvement with the End of the Innocence Project. As a group we are constantly discussing ways to ensure our world is safe for the current generations, and those that follow.
I have been asking myself, when I had the opportunity, did I make sure that my own boys knew the difference between yes and no? Did I ever discuss consent? I specifically remember the conversations about sex, the differences between boys and girls, the cute catch phrase, “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy!” However, I can’t take credit for that. One of the boys came home from school saying it because he had heard it. Then it became something we would all say whenever the topic of girls came up.
I was always the block mom, so there were gaggles of kids hanging out on my couch, or in their rooms, with doors wide open. I am still personal friends with my son’s girlfriends, even long after their collective relationships fizzled. I am proud to say that one of those girlfriends works with me on the Project! I always made myself available and was there to answer questions and wipe away tears when warranted. I was present in the present so that everyone knew I was interested in what was going on. I have prided myself in that since the beginning.
After a conversation with another Project member, I began to think back to the point where girls came in to play for my two youngest boys. (My older boys didn’t live with me during this period in their lives, so I can only reference the younger two.) When my boys were young, I wasn’t at all thinking about them eventually being “men.” I was only thinking about getting through that particular moment. I never considered what it took to be a man, what the world perceives as manly, or misogynistic for that matter. I only had that one split second in the palm of my hands. My child was plyable, impressionable, and I knew he was only half listening to whatever was coming out of my mouth.
I can honestly say that I did my best, but I know that I could have done much better. The news stories at the time were not filled with the all the ugly and hate that we see today. If my sons were in their early teens now, I would sit them down and have a serious group conversation. I would talk to them about being polite, being honest, being open, being receptive, being understanding, being accepting, truly listening, non verbal cues, different scenarios, and being strong while remaining gentle. I would also ask them what they thought being a “real man” meant. I am very curious to know, especially now that I don't’ have the daily interactions with them anymore. I would make sure that they completely and fully understood every word. I would answer every question in the best way, with the most thought possible.
If my boys were still young, I would have started the conversations much earlier than I did. I would share thoughts and ideas with them. I would ask their opinions on the subjects of love, relationships, marriage, girls, boys, men, women, consent, etc. I would be much more descriptive, explaining many more examples. I would explore their way of thinking deeper to have a better understanding on how to truly prepare them for the cruel world we live in. I would have shared so much more of my own thoughts and opinions, instead of holding back for age appropriateness. Once they turned 16, everything changed and there was a more of a no holds barred approach. Should that have happened earlier?
One thing I feel I did well, was allowing them to be free thinkers, allowing them to think for themselves. I guided them, but I let them to make many small decisions on their own, form their own thoughts, and make their own judgements on controversial subjects. I feel like I gave them the best opportunity to be individuals, men, real men, that respect everyone, especially women.
I may never know if I did a good job or not. I may never get the feedback that my heart desires. I still have a very open relationship with all my boys. They know that even though they are all adults, they can still come to mom at any time for any reason. Mom will always listen. Mom will never judge. Mom will just be Mom.
Thanks for reading.