Date Rape, we need to talk about it
I didn't know anything about date rape when I was a teenager. The concept never crossed my mind. I never expected to be in a situation where I felt uncomfortable or helpless. Back in the late 80’s I was a Freshman in college. I had two classes, Ballroom Dance and Swimming, with this guy that was somewhat of an exchange student studying in the US. He was from somewhere in China and was extremely gracious every time we spoke.
One day after class he invited me to his place for dinner under the guise that he needed help with his English. Since I was majoring in English at the time, it sounded like a reasonable trade to me. I help him with English, he gives me a free meal. I thought of it as more of a tutoring session than a date.
I walked to his house a few miles off campus and he has soft music on in the background. I thought to myself, ok, not really what I expected, but this is nice. I go inside and he tells me to take a seat on the couch while he finished getting dinner ready. A few minutes later he returned to the living room with a bottle of what he said was chinese wine and two glasses. I was only 18 at the time, not legally allowed to drink, but who was around to care or rat me out? I was there to have dinner and help my friend out. I had a glass of the wine and started to feel really loopy and light headed.
I wasn’t fully aware of the effects of alcohol on the human body in the first place, nor the effect of a new kind being introduced in to my system. By this point in my life, I had tried so many different kinds of alcohol both to remain socially relevant within my circle of friends and to numb my emotional pain. I had started drinking at the age of 12 while babysitting my next door neighbor’s kids.
After the first glass of wine, this guy starts to lean a little closer to me. I scoot away, he scoots closer until I am snug up against the arm rest with nowhere else to go. I jump up from the couch and move to the middle of the living room with my eyes on the front door, he jumps up right after and gets right in front of me blocking that exit. I can smell the alcohol on his breath and start to get really nervous. It was obvious that he had started drinking way before I got there.
I inch my way towards the hallway, not realizing that there is no way out in that direction. He follows my every step with glassy eyes and a grin on is face. Once I see that there isn’t a back door, he pins me up against the wall in the hallway and tries to kiss me. I turn my face away and struggle in his grasp. He says to me that he can do anything he wants because he is stronger than I am. I tell him that what he is doing is illegal in our country. He states that our laws don’t apply to him because he has diplomatic immunity. I demand that he takes his hands off of me and let me go. He says he wants to have some fun first. I told him that I only came over to help him with his English. He laughs and says, “Now that you are here, we can have more fun.”
By this time I am completely terrified. I was miles away from my dorm room, it was getting dark outside, and I had gotten there on foot. If I darted for the front door, would he give chase? Was I strong enough to fight him off? What the hell was I thinking by taking him up on his offer for dinner? I went into panic mode.
This is long before cell phones were in everyone’s hands. Home phones were still plugged in to an outlet and most of them had cords.
I told him that the wine was going through me and I really needed to use the bathroom. Amazingly, he let go of my arms and pointed towards the restroom. I went in, closed and locked the door, stood up against it, closed my eyes, and slowed my breathing down. My heart was absolutely racing, my blood was rushing through my body and my face was hot from the effects of the alcohol and panic. I tried to force myself to sober up really fast by splashing cold water on my face. I unlocked the door, opened it very slowly and as quietly as I could, peaked out, and saw him sitting on the couch with his back towards me.
At some point during the evening I had seen a phone on the wall in the kitchen. I was incredibly thankful at that moment that he hadn’t returned to the kitchen. I made my way in there and dialed my roommate in our dorm room. In a whisper, I told her that I was in trouble and I needed help, gave her the address of where I was, asked her to bring anyone she could find, and to please, please hurry. She didn’t question me at all.
I don’t remember anything that happened between that phone call and the knock on the door. My mind has blocked some of it out. My roommate showed up with the Dorm Resident Advisor and another person, whom I later found out was an advocate for students that had been assaulted, two very safe looking guys to me.
Words were exchanged and I can’t remember any of them either now. I was whisked out of the house and taken to the police station. I had just been the victim of attempted rape. I was crying and shaking all over. I still have the police report from that night and refer back to it once in a while. Eventually the Chinese student was expelled from the University and deported back to China for the crime of attempted sexual assault. His Visa was permanently revoked. Thankfully he wouldn’t do this to anyone else here in the United States. I hope he never did it to anyone else again. Not everyone is as lucky as I was that night.
Date Rape is real. It can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime, in any form. Attempted or completed, we all need to be aware and be comfortable talking about it. We need open conversations with men and women of all ages and backgrounds. Join me in continuing the conversation.