Trigger Warning: 

No matter how many years of counseling I have been through, no matter how many years have passed since the abuse I suffered, no matter how happy, healthy, centered, or healed I feel in this very moment, my “recovery” will never be complete.  I am actually ok with that.  Healing is a process.  It doesn’t always make sense.  Sometimes it scares the hell out of us.  I see my past as a path that I have been on, that got me where I am today.  I wear it as a badge of honor at this point in my life.

Let me start by saying, this is a rhetorical question. 

I have been a mother for more than 29 years.  In all those years, I have loved with every ounce of my being.  I raised four boys and adopted an adult girl five years ago this summer.  Nothing can prepare anyone for parenthood.  There are no rule books, there are no official guidelines.  There are several bumps in the road, and they come in so many forms. 

Beware:

I have absolutely had it with all the humans that keep asking why assault victims wait so long to say anything. I didn’t tell anyone when I was assaulted as a child, by the time I did report it to the police as an adult in her thirties, the statute of limitations had long expired.  My first year in college, I was assaulted by another student. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life at the time.  I am about to show you why, in black and white, so many women don't take that step of going to the police.  Many people have no idea what it is like being in that interview room, they have no idea how claustrophobic and freezing it can feel.  They have no idea how dehumanizing it can seam, even with the best intentions of the officer on the other side of the table.  At 18 years old, I felt assaulted again having to recount every detail of what happened that night.

After I was sexually assaulted; my entire world turned upside down.  Emotions ran in such wild ranges from one extreme to the other.  When it came to my relationships with friends and family, all bets were off.  Often times, I was highly unpredictable and some days very contradictory. 

I didn't know anything about date rape when I was a teenager. The concept never crossed my mind. I never expected to be in a situation where I felt uncomfortable or helpless. Back in the late 80’s I was a Freshman in college. I had two classes, Ballroom Dance and Swimming, with this guy that was somewhat of an exchange student studying in the US. He was from somewhere in China and was extremely gracious every time we spoke. 

Is it Rape when you are married?  

If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with anyone else? I spent the first 40 years of my life trying to keep everyone in my life happy. I was labeled a “caretaker” more than once. When I first started therapy in college, I was still making excuses for both myself and my abusers. Sitting here 9 years later, I have found that I don’t have the time or patience for anything else but the God’s honest truth.